Have you ever felt torn between what society expects from you and what you truly need for yourself? In Rwanda, and maybe other societies in Africa at large, respect and obedience are valued. Often, the pressure to obey feels stronger than the quiet voice inside us that longs for care and rest.

I remember being on a bus, sitting in a seat I had chosen to rest. A Catholic sister (umubikira) came in, and passengers insisted I give her my place. They told me, “You are younger, let her sit.” In that moment my need for rest collided with their expectation of obedience. I stayed in my seat. Many criticized me, and I reminded myself that honoring my needs is not selfish, it is human. At the same time, I was also aware that the sister also might have the same needs like rest, comfortability as I do, and, I could still see her as human being with these beautiful needs while I was resisting manipulation.

 

Nonviolent Communication reminds us that compassion is not about being nice, it is about being real. When we connect with our own feelings and needs, and listen to the feelings and needs of others, we make choices that are honest and sustainable. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg emphasized that giving has value only when it comes from willingness, not from guilt or pressure. Kelly Bryson also shows us that self-compassion is the foundation from which genuine care for others can grow when our actions come from honesty and willingness rather than fear of rejection. Balancing care for ourselves and for others allows us to contribute from the heart.

What would change in your life if you allowed yourself to be real rather than simply nice? In my next article, I will share how we can resist manipulation and giving out of obligation, while staying connected to ourselves and to others.

Dismas Nsengiyaremye,
Owner, Listening and Speaking for Connection.